Christmas truly is the most wonderful time of the year.
But as we congregate together with those whose taste in music, food, politics, and, well, everything, is wildly different to our own – aka our families – it can also be a time to test the patience of a saint. One of those really patient saints, too, whose thing is being extraordinarily patient.
Fortunately, we’ve come up with a 10-Step Christmas Guide to get you through this uplifting, joyous and wonderful holiday without the need for violence. Isn’t that nice of us?
1. They say love is the greatest gift. They’re wrong; the greatest gift is a Playstation. But no matter what you’re given on the big day, accept every gift as if it were the greatest gift of all. Remember, your joy is their present in return.
2. Buy a year’s supply of Irish liqueur (you know the one I’m on about), even if you hate it. There are certain traditions that must be obeyed.
3. Play board games, not computer games.
4. Let your dad hog the music choice – always remembering the Sacred Dad Mantra that any music after The Knack’s 1979 #1 hit ‘My Sharona’ is just noise.
5. When your mum/dad/sibling/grandma/better half’s bogey-faced little nephew inevitably makes your blood boil, count back from ten and remember what you mean to one another. Then steal their dessert.
6. Crackers, paper hats, dried-out turkey, the Queen’s Speech (followed by debates about the monarchy’s relevance in a modern-day progressive society), Christmas jumpers (see below pic for fashion guidelines), watching The Snowman (and singing along to ‘Walking in the Air’ in alto), a frankly ridiculous choice of condiments, and bingeing on Harry Potter films are mandatory activities. Repeat: mandatory. No exceptions.
7. No phones at the dinner table. Unless your video of the cat grinning with your grandad’s dentures in its gob is going viral and you need to stay on top of your notifications.
8. Sons and daughters: do the washing up; mums and dads: let them do the washing up.
9. Raise a toast to the dearly departed. They might not be with us in body but they’re always with us in spirit.
10. When it’s time for people to leave hug them tightly, say ‘I love you’ lots and lots, and don’t be afraid to shed a tear or two. Then, when you’re out of earshot, moan and bitch about them like a sailor on day release.
So, there it is, our 10-Step Christmas Guide. Give it a go and, who knows, you may even want to do it all again next year.
Now all that’s left is to wish you all a very Merry Christmas from everyone at Woven!